Valentine's Day...a year later

Yesterday, when Nathan was driving us to dinner, it occurred to me that I wrote a blog post on Valentine's Day of last year. This, I believe, is the beauty of blogging consistently--you get forced to keep a diary, albeit a public one. The blog post was called Valentine's Woes.

You can read the post if you're interested, but to sum up, at that point last year I was feeling down, frustrated and annoyed by the men I was dating. I wanted something more substantial. On the other hand, I didn't really believe that I could meet a man who would tolerate my cookie-dough-eating, Gilmore Girl watching self. And then I met Nathan.

This guy.

And I fell in love.

We met a week before I was leaving Richmond. My bags were packed. My apartment was bare. And I decided to go out for a drink. One last night at my favorite bar.

I walked into the bar with no make-up, flip-flops and tentative plans to meet a friend. Instead, I met Nathan sitting in a room with a group of his friends. I thought he was cute so I decided to sit across from him and say hello. We started talking and we couldn't stop. For some reason, I felt comfortable voicing all of my weird thoughts--omen names, special numbers, food quirks--and the crazy thing was he totally got it. In fact, he even had his own set of bad omen names.

We ended up going dancing and he walked me back to my apartment. We must have sat and talked on my front stoop for hours until I finally made him go home. Honestly, I thought I would never see him again. I didn't tell him I was moving in five days.

Unknown to me, when Nathan was walking home, he ran into the friend I was supposed to meet that night. They got to talking. Nathan told this guy, T, about the amazing girl he had just met. And T told Nathan about the amazing girl he had just stood up. When they both stumbled over my Greek last name, they realized they were talking about the same girl.

And before you think this is too great a coincidence, remember this happened in Richmond--a very small city where everyone knows everyone.

Anyway, T told Nathan I was moving.

Two days later, Thursday night, I was supposed to meet Nathan at his restaurant for dinner, and I didn't show up. Why not? Honestly, I've racked my brain over this a million times. The best I can come up with was this: I was exhausted from a long week, I was moving in two days, and I didn't really want to start something new. Anyhow, I didn't show up for our date and I thought it was over with Nathan.

But Nathan didn't give up so quickly. On Saturday night, a hurricane swept through Richmond, leaving much of the city without power. I was holed up in my apartment, reading by candlelight and cursing the weather gods that had delayed my move. And then, over the sound of the wind and swaying trees, at about 10 p.m., I heard this voice calling my name. At first, I figured I was hearing things. Or else someone was calling for another Katie. But the voice kept getting louder and louder.

So I stepped out of my apartment and peered over the banister, and asked who it was. And the voice said, "It's me, Nathan. Do you want to come out and play in the hurricane?"

And for some reason, I very much did. I threw on a dress and flip-flops and hurried out of my apartment. As soon as I got down the stairs, there was Nathan, smiling at me. I told him I was moving the next day, and he already knew. He just wanted to spend some time with me.

We had the most amazing night, walking around the deserted city, hanging out with his friends, and then sleeping next to each other on my uncomfortable twin-sized air mattress. I remember the next morning, I woke up and walked to 7-eleven and bought our first breakfast, coffee with cream and sugar, plain doughnuts and bananas. We sat in the sunshine on my balcony and just enjoyed each other.

Yet, I still moved out of the apartment in Richmond that same morning. In fact, Nathan helped me pack up my remaining stuff, on his birthday, no less. But then I was back visiting him in Richmond the following weekend. Two weeks after that, I moved in with him. And two months after that, we got engaged.

And now we've been together for nearly six months. And, as sappy as it sounds, each day is more magical. He is the love of my life, the most amazing person I've ever met. I can't believe how lucky I got. And how lucky I still am.

Is anyone there?

Good morning everyone. As I write this post, I wonder if I still have any readers. I've been a lousy blogger these last (what is it--five months?) and it's understandable that many readers may have run out of patience and stopped reading my little (picture-free) blog.

Oh, and about the photos, I'm working on it, I swear.

But if you're still there, thank you. It's funny--my blogging friends, e-mail buddies, and WW Board members--have become real friends to me over the past few years of this journey. There have been many occasions where I'm talking about a WW friend and people assume I'm talking about real-life friends. But honestly, when you e-mail or gchat five days a week for over a year, those people are real-life friends.

Anyway, for those who still read and care, I truly appreciate it.

As usual, things have been a bit hectic lately. I'm working as an assistant editor for a magazine called Today's CNY Woman (www.cnywoman.com) and it's keeping me busy with writing, researching and interviewing. And during my off-time, Nathan and I are enjoying having our own apartment and living together.

I'll admit, I've become a bit of a hermit these days. I feel like I should just go ahead and buy a long nightgown already and enter middle-age with glory. Haha.

Nathan and I are working so hard that when we get home we just want to chill, cook dinner, and put on a movie. Last weekend, we decided to go out for dinner and drinks. We enjoyed dinner and then stopped at a Syracuse bar to grab a glass of wine. We ended up making it until 10:45 and then we both looked at each other and acknowledged that we were beat. Plus, we wanted to get home to our own house where clothing is optional ;)

So, needless to say, life is a bit different these days. I was re-reading past posts and it's almost hard to remember that I was (what some may call) a partier just a mere five months ago. Now, my priorities have shifted somewhat, and I think that's a good thing.

Anyway, as for health and diet, I'm not sure what to say. I haven't been dieting and I haven't been eating like a maniac either. Nathan and I went grocery shopping this past weekend and bought $115 worth of healthy foods--brown rice, whole wheat bread, fruit, vegetables, low fat yogurt, cottage cheese, edamame, and sardines. Our coolest purchase was some Wasa crackers that are surprisingly good and only 30 calories for a large cracker. Can't beat that! Of course, we still splurged and bought a small wedge of blue cheese and made a delicious lasagna on Sunday night for dinner.

I *think* my weight is roughly staying the same. But since I don't have a scale, it's hard to tell.

*True Story*

On Saturday night, Nathan and I stopped by the Goodwill. As we were walking through the store, I noticed a selection of scales propped up on the floor. Immediately, I turned towards the direction of the scales to weigh myself, paying no matter to my bulky clothing and boots. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) Nathan was too quick for me. Every time I tried to get near the scales, he picked me up and kept me from getting to them. The store clerks must have thought we were deranged as we laughed and Nathan wrestled me from the bathroom scales.

He kept repeating, "No matter what the scale says, up or down, you're going to cry, and I don't want to ruin our evening. If you want to weigh yourself, join Weight Watchers"

Maybe he has a point ;) The prospect is under consideration.

Diet is an evil word

It would be inaccurate for me to tell you that I've been on a diet these past few weeks. Especially if I go on to say that I shared not one, but two delicious wedges of blue cheese with Nathan on Tuesday night and enjoyed a sinfully delicious hot chocolate last night (secret: more chocolate than milk).

Despite of all this "deliciousness" as Nathan would say, I have made some changes lately that have helped me to feel healthier. I have started bringing a huge bag of groceries to work. If anyone remembers me from my previous job, it feels just like old times.

In my bag this morning:

-full fat cottage cheese with strawberries, an apple, a banana, a tortilla with refried beans and corn, a packet of oatmeal, and a jar of peanut butter.

This line-up of food keeps me from getting hungry when I'm at work and it also makes me feel good. With the cottage cheese, refried beans and peanut butter, I get dairy, protein and fat. The strawberries, apple, and banana satisfy my sugar cravings and knock off three servings of fruit. And the tortilla and oatmeal satisfy my grain servings.

I know, I know...I need a vegetable and corn doesn't count. But all in all, I feel pretty pleased with my breakfasts/lunches.

In addition to bringing food to work, I've also tried to make a habit of walking the 1.5 miles back home. Unfortunately, this task is more difficult than I would like. Let's just say Syracuse, NY is not a fun place to be in January. Yesterday, I walked home in what felt like 10 degree weather, with the wind blowing smack in my face. But regardless, I have been walking home about 2-3 times per week, and it feels good to get some exercise.

And last but not least, today marks day three of quitting cigarettes. It hasn't been easy, but my lungs feel a lot better even after such a short time period.

Despite all of these "small" improvements, this morning I pulled on a pair of jeans and they felt TIGHT. I told Nathan that we need to buy a scale (the old scale somehow ended up in a trash can in Richmond) and he said no, that I don't need a scale in the house. While I somewhat agree (I did become borderline obsessive with the scale last time), I would like a way to monitor my progress. From what I can tell, I should be maintaining right now. Although I sometimes overdo it at dinner, my meals throughout the day are healthy and balanced. And I'm getting in some exercise. I think that my weight (should) be holding steady. But on the other hand, I really don't know.

I keep having these dreams where I go to a WW center and weigh in. The other night, I weighed 160 (huge sigh of relief) but sometimes I think I weigh 170. Last time I weighed myself, one month ago, I weighed 165, but I have no idea what I weigh now. Grrr...the suspense is killing me. And before you suggest joining WW again, we REALLY cannot afford that right now. One of the many perks of being a professional writer is trying to live on a minimum wage salary. And come on, you know me, I like my cheese, wine, contacts, dinners out to restaurants, movies, new clothes, hair cuts, etc...way too much to live within my means.

On the other hand, I also enjoy working at a job that doesn't make me want to pull my hair out.

Is it possible to achieve both? And is it possible to eat well and maintain?

Oh, the eternal questions. Well, on that note, have a nice weekend.

It's Time to Lose Weight--But How?

When you're losing weight and getting into shape, every morning you wake up feeling just a little bit skinnier. You pull on a pair of jeans you haven't worn in a few weeks and they slide on more easily (sometimes too easily in fact). Each time you walk up a flight of stairs, you feel a little stronger. Each time you meet someone you haven't seen in a while, you feel a new sense of security--you most likely look better than you did.

It's all enough to make you smile, make you feel a renewed sense of confidence. Every step you take towards getting healthy brings new rewards. I remember feeling downright amazing at 200 pounds (after I'd lost my first 40) because all of a sudden I had more energy, fit into normal sized clothing, and could climb on top of roofs (I mean that literally).

As we all know, gaining weight brings the opposite effects. Squishing yourself into too tight clothes is enough to bring on a temper tantrum. Seeing distant relatives/ friends who may notice your weight gain is enough to spoil a party. Flights of stairs and long walks can seem daunting. I could go on, but I think you get the gist.

From my recent posts, you can see which side of the spectrum I'm on. And no, it's not pleasant. Although (rationally) I know that being in the 160s is not the end of the world and I'm much lighter than my heaviest weight (240), it still doesn't feel good. So, I've resolved to take action--do something about this problem. At the very least, stop this weight gain in its tracks. And, hopefully, get back down to 150--a weight that I really enjoyed.

The question comes to mind: What do you need to lose weight? In the past, I needed specific foods and meals. Oatmeal in the morning. Beans and a tortilla for lunch. Cottage cheese with strawberries for a snack. And something vegetable heavy (like a stir fry or salad) for dinner. And of course Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches. I needed water bottles, gym clothes (heck a gym membership) and no junk in the house. I needed an all-out battle plan.

And herein lies the problem. We have no money for these extra expenses, and one of Nathan and my favorite activities is to cook a meal together over a few glasses of wine. How do I incorporate that into my strict diet regimen? I don't even own a scale at the moment, so I'm not sure how to monitor my progress. And I can't afford a gym and it's crazy cold in Syracuse for running. In other words, how do I lose weight without having complete control over my food and exercise?

I know that it's certainly possible--I just need to find a new way of going about losing weight. I need to really and truly incorporate healthy habits into my lifestyle. If you have any tips, I'd love to hear them.

Admissions...A Few

I have something to admit, and it isn't pretty.

My size 8 jeans no longer fit. And the same goes for my size 8 dress and my size 8 black pants.

For some ungodly reason, I thought I had evolved past the days of outgrowing my clothing. I thought I had moved beyond the embarrassing (and potentially painful) moments of squeezing my stomach in order to zip my jeans. Or angling my face just so to avoid the double chin on camera. Or feeling my inner thighs bounce into each other when I walk naked in my apartment.

But, alas, it's true. I've gained weight. Fourteen pounds to be exact. The last time I weighed myself, I was hovering around 164. And since then, I've managed to eat half a batch of chocolate chip cookies and nearly a loaf of Nathan's delicious focaccia bread. Not to mention the chocolate chip pancakes I enjoyed this morning, smothered in syrup, or my coffee with cream with enough sugar to kill a diabetic. So, God only knows what my weight is right now.

Needless to say, I am not in anything close to diet mode right now. Nathan and I just moved into a brand new apartment in Syracuse, NY. Yup, you heard me right, I said Syracuse. Home of the snow, home of my alma mater, and home to a particularly obnoxious shade of orange that is plastered all throughout the city. Our apartment is completely empty, aside from a jumble of clothes and huge stacks of books.

The cats are going completely insane. Leo has decided, with a vengeance, that he hates the new apartment. So, he waits until 4am to wail as loudly as possible, while simultaneously attacking the air mattress. At night, we have been forced to lock him in the (big) closet--the only room in our apartment, besides the bathroom, with a door. During the day, he finds weird spots to hide (behind the fridge/ next to the litter box) and when you find him and plead with him to cheer up, he scowls at you. He's ready to trade his parents in, I can tell.

Fanny, my sweet yet clumsy cat, has taken to doing acrobatics in the middle of the night. She sprints across the entire apartment and then takes a running leap (roughly four and a half feet) onto the windowsill. Sometimes, she makes the jump and other times she crashes to the floor (usually on her head). Unlike her brother, she seems delighted with our empty, echoing apartment.

And Nathan and I? We're surviving. On the upside, I started my new job on Monday. I have to say it because I'm so damn proud. I am officially the Assistant Editor of CNY Woman, a magazine targeted towards woman in Central New York. We have our own place (no roommates!). Nathan has some great career prospects in management. And we're engaged to be married. We haven't set an official date yet, but we're thinking either a year from this coming May or a year from August.

On the downside, we are completely, flat-out broke, which means we're living on pasta, chicken, frozen vegetables, eggs, and whatever we can make with flour, sugar, baking soda, and yeast. We have no money for our two favorite vices--booze and cigarettes--which means that tensions are a (wee bit) high in the Katie/ Nathan household. We're also massively sleep deprived (thanks to Leo) and Nathan has begun criticizing my parenting skills. He insists that if I hadn't of coddled Leo, Leo wouldn't think he was a human, and wouldn't be having these temper tantrums in the middle of the night. I, on the other hand, believe that all Leo needs is some love and furniture to hide under and he'll be okay.

But then on the plus side, I'm in love, living with my favorite person in the whole world, who makes me chocolate chip pancakes before work.

So, I can tell that you're probably waiting for me to address this weight gain of 14 pounds. Well. I don't have much to say. I simply cannot diet right now. I can't afford it and I can't deal with any additional stress in my life. When things become more normal (i.e. we are not stressing about how to pay rent), I'll re-evaulate. But for the time being, it's not the most important part of my life. I still have to say that I haven't binged since last April--so that's nearly 8 months of being binge free. Pretty damn awesome, if I do say so myself.

But, one thing I am going to do is start walking to work. The walk is roughly 1.5 miles, so that means I'll be walking 3 miles a day. That's a good amount of exercise, and I think that it will help me maintain, as well as help me get back into shape.

Another goal that I want to work on is to STOP the FAT TALK. I hate that I've slipped back into calling myself names (disgusting/ hideous/ fat/ gross) and that needs to end. I wasn't any of those things when I weighed 240 pounds, and I'm certainly not now.

Do you struggle with "fat talk," and if so, how do you combat it?

It's Been a While--Bullet Updates

I seriously believe that you could write a novel about the past four months of my life. Well, if not an entire novel, at the very least a short story. But alas, I am busy and don't have much time.

So, to sum up, the following has occurred since my last (consistent post) in August:

-I hit my Weight Watchers goal weight

-I moved out of my apartment in Richmond and moved back home to my parents' house in Northern Virginia

-I lost my Weight Watchers goal weight (and am currently over 10 pounds heavier, grr...)

-I quit my job of two years and accepted a better paying job in DC.

-I fell in love.

-I quit my higher paying job.

-I got a new (lower paying job) in Richmond.

-I moved in with Nathan.

-I lost my lower paying job.

-I started working as a Freelance Writer.

-Nathan and I got engaged.

-Nathan and I moved to Buffalo, NY to look for better jobs and live with my extended family.

-I landed my dream job, Assistant Editor of a magazine, in Syracuse, NY

-We found an apartment in Syracuse NY

-We moved into the new apartment and I started my job.

-Nathan got an interview for his dream job.

...And that's where I am right now.

I'm debating about starting another blog. Please let me know if you think I should continue with this current blog or start something fresh. I appreciate feedback =)

Ramblings of a Lunatic

Since I hit goal last August, one question I've been asking myself is, How do I define healthy? Is my journey complete now that I've hit a certain weight or a dress size? What does health mean to me now that the weight is gone and I'm left with a lingering feeling that my journey is far from over?

At the moment, my stomach is feeling full after eating a huge bowl of failed stir fried rice. I hadn't eaten since morning (an egg with toast), so by 5pm my hunger level had reached a level of desperation that prompted me to throw rice, chopped onion, and oil in a pan and then dump two eggs on top. And to complete that meal, I ate a burned peanut butter cookie and a cigarette. Needless to say, my rushed dinner was less than satisfactory. But it did the trick--I'm no longer hungry.

Can you tell I'm in a rotten mood?

I was supposed to be writing today. I wanted to get back to this blog. I wanted to write an article for Richmond.com, and I wanted to send out my resume to prospective employers (oh, the joys of being unemployed), but what did I do instead? I entertained friends, got called ugly by a woman at Target (don't ask, I know it sounds ridiculous) and I spent money that I don't have on a burnt cup of coffee. My head hurts and I'm feeling lousy. Nathan is at work, killing himself to work a double shift to support us and pay our bills, and I'm wasting time.

Why am I wasting time?

Am I afraid that I'll fail as a writer? Am I too damned lazy to get off my ass and write something? Am I too damn anxious? I know that I want to be a writer but I'm afraid that I don't have enough to cut it in the field. Maybe my vocabulary isn't big enough? Maybe my sentences aren't sophisticated enough? Maybe my writing is just too damn egocentric for my own good. On the plus side, I applied to Target today. Do you think I might be overqualified with my B.A. and M.A.?

If you've made it so far through my self-absorbed ramblings, I give you credit. I bet you would like to know how the maintenance journey is going. Well, it's going all right. Nathan hid my scale for about two weeks, but I finally weighed myself yesterday: 152.5. So, I've lost a little bit of weight this past month. But then I weighed myself later in the day, after a run, and my weight was back up to 158.5. So, I have no idea what's going on. Nathan hid the battery to my scale this morning, so I couldn't weigh myself today to check out what's going on.

He thinks I'm obsessed. Obviously, that's ridiculous ;)

So, in a nutshell, weight management is not my top priority right now. I need to find a way to do what seems impossible right now--become a writer. And at the very least, I need to find a job so that I can contribute to our income. The weight is essentially staying off without too much effort on my part. Some days I eat too much. Some days I eat too little. And in the end, it all evens out. I think that as long as I don't binge, I won't gain it back. I'm trying to exercise more. Nathan and I went jogging two days this week, and we're trying to walk more and cut back on cigarettes.

I'm sorry for this awfully scattered post. I hope that I don't come off as a psycho--I'm just stressed right now.

If you made it all the way through, thanks for enduring my stream of consciousness rambling. If you have any advice, feel free to send it my way.