Thursday, November 17, 2011

Ramblings of a Lunatic

Since I hit goal last August, one question I've been asking myself is, How do I define healthy? Is my journey complete now that I've hit a certain weight or a dress size? What does health mean to me now that the weight is gone and I'm left with a lingering feeling that my journey is far from over?

At the moment, my stomach is feeling full after eating a huge bowl of failed stir fried rice. I hadn't eaten since morning (an egg with toast), so by 5pm my hunger level had reached a level of desperation that prompted me to throw rice, chopped onion, and oil in a pan and then dump two eggs on top. And to complete that meal, I ate a burned peanut butter cookie and a cigarette. Needless to say, my rushed dinner was less than satisfactory. But it did the trick--I'm no longer hungry.

Can you tell I'm in a rotten mood?

I was supposed to be writing today. I wanted to get back to this blog. I wanted to write an article for, and I wanted to send out my resume to prospective employers (oh, the joys of being unemployed), but what did I do instead? I entertained friends, got called ugly by a woman at Target (don't ask, I know it sounds ridiculous) and I spent money that I don't have on a burnt cup of coffee. My head hurts and I'm feeling lousy. Nathan is at work, killing himself to work a double shift to support us and pay our bills, and I'm wasting time.

Why am I wasting time?

Am I afraid that I'll fail as a writer? Am I too damned lazy to get off my ass and write something? Am I too damn anxious? I know that I want to be a writer but I'm afraid that I don't have enough to cut it in the field. Maybe my vocabulary isn't big enough? Maybe my sentences aren't sophisticated enough? Maybe my writing is just too damn egocentric for my own good. On the plus side, I applied to Target today. Do you think I might be overqualified with my B.A. and M.A.?

If you've made it so far through my self-absorbed ramblings, I give you credit. I bet you would like to know how the maintenance journey is going. Well, it's going all right. Nathan hid my scale for about two weeks, but I finally weighed myself yesterday: 152.5. So, I've lost a little bit of weight this past month. But then I weighed myself later in the day, after a run, and my weight was back up to 158.5. So, I have no idea what's going on. Nathan hid the battery to my scale this morning, so I couldn't weigh myself today to check out what's going on.

He thinks I'm obsessed. Obviously, that's ridiculous ;)

So, in a nutshell, weight management is not my top priority right now. I need to find a way to do what seems impossible right now--become a writer. And at the very least, I need to find a job so that I can contribute to our income. The weight is essentially staying off without too much effort on my part. Some days I eat too much. Some days I eat too little. And in the end, it all evens out. I think that as long as I don't binge, I won't gain it back. I'm trying to exercise more. Nathan and I went jogging two days this week, and we're trying to walk more and cut back on cigarettes.

I'm sorry for this awfully scattered post. I hope that I don't come off as a psycho--I'm just stressed right now.

If you made it all the way through, thanks for enduring my stream of consciousness rambling. If you have any advice, feel free to send it my way.


  1. I know this wasn't the focus of your entry today, but great job on maintenance! It's still something that I'm bad at. I'm working to get BACK to goal right now, which sucks.

    Anyway, I hope that you get the Target job (if you actually want/need it) and I'm positive that you can make it as a writer if it's what you really want.

    Because you are a great writer! I always love reading your blog. :-)

  2. I also love your blog. I am sorry to hear about the job loss. Just a few months ago I thought I hit rock bottom when I couldn't even get a job at Starbucks.

    Keep up the good work with maintenance. And keep writing.