Warning: This blog post may contain some paranoid thoughts. However, if you can't voice your own neuroses in your blog, what is the point of having one?
At this point in my weight loss journey, I feel weird about telling people I *only* have four pounds to lose until goal. I fully expect most people to glance at my undoubtedly imperfect figure and think, "Hmm...looks more like 20 to me." Of course, most people won't have the balls to say that; instead they'll grin and say, "Oh, that's great."
In the past, I've always had the opposite reaction. I remember telling my aunt and uncle (at the beginning of my weight loss journey) that I needed to lose 85 pounds. Their reaction was, "Certainly, not that much! That's crazy!"
I remember last summer when I finally broke into Onederland and I was 50-ish pounds from my goal weight. I was out with my then-boyfriend and one of his friends. I remember we were getting a little tipsy (it was around 2am) and my boyfriend decided to pick me up. I was so afraid that he'd realize right there and then that he was dating a "bigger girl" but he didn't flinch when he picked me up and set me down on the counter. I remember telling him soon afterward that I wanted to lose about 40 more pounds, and both my BF and his friend were skeptical--40 pounds, really?
They both didn't think I had that much to lose. I remember how wonderful that felt; for a moment I felt skinny.
So this weekend, I'm hanging out with my friend, smoking and listening to music. All of a sudden, I start wondering, "Why is he hanging out with me? Why would he hang out with a big girl? Doesn't he have anything better to do on a Friday night?" We decide to walk to the corner shop for some wine and I keep expecting the clerk to say something unpleasant to me, because WHO am I to be hanging out with a cute guy on a Friday night? But the clerk acts perfectly pleasant and even makes small talk with me. Then I catch a glimpse of myself in the store camera and realize, "I'm not big. I look like a normal, attractive 20-something year old." All of a sudden, I realize that I'm not hideous.
But then the next day, I'm at my favorite coffee shop, talking to a few guys I know, and I feel the same sense of paranoia: I feel like the token fat girl in the room. I wonder why anyone would bother talking to me. I feel this insane urge to tell crazy, entertaining stories to compensate for my lack of attractiveness. But of course my shyness/ paranoia/ insanity is making it difficult for me to talk at all. Which makes everyone else act funny, which then validates my insane thoughts: They are acting weird towards me because I'm gross.
Instead of, They are acting weird towards me because I'm acting weird towards them. Which makes more sense in a rational world.
But, unfortunately, I do not necessarily live in a rational world.
Believe it or not, these feelings have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with reality. I weighed in on Thursday and I am 154--not FAT by any means. I went to the mall yesterday and fit into size 10 express pants and a size 8 Banana Republic skirt. Not fat, by any means. I went for a 3 mile run/ walk yesterday and I know that I couldn't have done that a year ago.
And yet, I allow the crazy part of my brain to run rampant.
I need to work on this. These feelings are completely and utterly negative and worthless. Would I think these thoughts about anyone else? No, never, not even if she weighed 400+ pounds. I think people are beautiful, regardless of their weight. Why then do I attack myself so rigorously?
Can anyone identify with this? And if you can, have you come up with any positive solutions?