Diet is an evil word

It would be inaccurate for me to tell you that I've been on a diet these past few weeks. Especially if I go on to say that I shared not one, but two delicious wedges of blue cheese with Nathan on Tuesday night and enjoyed a sinfully delicious hot chocolate last night (secret: more chocolate than milk).

Despite of all this "deliciousness" as Nathan would say, I have made some changes lately that have helped me to feel healthier. I have started bringing a huge bag of groceries to work. If anyone remembers me from my previous job, it feels just like old times.

In my bag this morning:

-full fat cottage cheese with strawberries, an apple, a banana, a tortilla with refried beans and corn, a packet of oatmeal, and a jar of peanut butter.

This line-up of food keeps me from getting hungry when I'm at work and it also makes me feel good. With the cottage cheese, refried beans and peanut butter, I get dairy, protein and fat. The strawberries, apple, and banana satisfy my sugar cravings and knock off three servings of fruit. And the tortilla and oatmeal satisfy my grain servings.

I know, I know...I need a vegetable and corn doesn't count. But all in all, I feel pretty pleased with my breakfasts/lunches.

In addition to bringing food to work, I've also tried to make a habit of walking the 1.5 miles back home. Unfortunately, this task is more difficult than I would like. Let's just say Syracuse, NY is not a fun place to be in January. Yesterday, I walked home in what felt like 10 degree weather, with the wind blowing smack in my face. But regardless, I have been walking home about 2-3 times per week, and it feels good to get some exercise.

And last but not least, today marks day three of quitting cigarettes. It hasn't been easy, but my lungs feel a lot better even after such a short time period.

Despite all of these "small" improvements, this morning I pulled on a pair of jeans and they felt TIGHT. I told Nathan that we need to buy a scale (the old scale somehow ended up in a trash can in Richmond) and he said no, that I don't need a scale in the house. While I somewhat agree (I did become borderline obsessive with the scale last time), I would like a way to monitor my progress. From what I can tell, I should be maintaining right now. Although I sometimes overdo it at dinner, my meals throughout the day are healthy and balanced. And I'm getting in some exercise. I think that my weight (should) be holding steady. But on the other hand, I really don't know.

I keep having these dreams where I go to a WW center and weigh in. The other night, I weighed 160 (huge sigh of relief) but sometimes I think I weigh 170. Last time I weighed myself, one month ago, I weighed 165, but I have no idea what I weigh now. Grrr...the suspense is killing me. And before you suggest joining WW again, we REALLY cannot afford that right now. One of the many perks of being a professional writer is trying to live on a minimum wage salary. And come on, you know me, I like my cheese, wine, contacts, dinners out to restaurants, movies, new clothes, hair cuts, etc...way too much to live within my means.

On the other hand, I also enjoy working at a job that doesn't make me want to pull my hair out.

Is it possible to achieve both? And is it possible to eat well and maintain?

Oh, the eternal questions. Well, on that note, have a nice weekend.

It's Time to Lose Weight--But How?

When you're losing weight and getting into shape, every morning you wake up feeling just a little bit skinnier. You pull on a pair of jeans you haven't worn in a few weeks and they slide on more easily (sometimes too easily in fact). Each time you walk up a flight of stairs, you feel a little stronger. Each time you meet someone you haven't seen in a while, you feel a new sense of security--you most likely look better than you did.

It's all enough to make you smile, make you feel a renewed sense of confidence. Every step you take towards getting healthy brings new rewards. I remember feeling downright amazing at 200 pounds (after I'd lost my first 40) because all of a sudden I had more energy, fit into normal sized clothing, and could climb on top of roofs (I mean that literally).

As we all know, gaining weight brings the opposite effects. Squishing yourself into too tight clothes is enough to bring on a temper tantrum. Seeing distant relatives/ friends who may notice your weight gain is enough to spoil a party. Flights of stairs and long walks can seem daunting. I could go on, but I think you get the gist.

From my recent posts, you can see which side of the spectrum I'm on. And no, it's not pleasant. Although (rationally) I know that being in the 160s is not the end of the world and I'm much lighter than my heaviest weight (240), it still doesn't feel good. So, I've resolved to take action--do something about this problem. At the very least, stop this weight gain in its tracks. And, hopefully, get back down to 150--a weight that I really enjoyed.

The question comes to mind: What do you need to lose weight? In the past, I needed specific foods and meals. Oatmeal in the morning. Beans and a tortilla for lunch. Cottage cheese with strawberries for a snack. And something vegetable heavy (like a stir fry or salad) for dinner. And of course Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches. I needed water bottles, gym clothes (heck a gym membership) and no junk in the house. I needed an all-out battle plan.

And herein lies the problem. We have no money for these extra expenses, and one of Nathan and my favorite activities is to cook a meal together over a few glasses of wine. How do I incorporate that into my strict diet regimen? I don't even own a scale at the moment, so I'm not sure how to monitor my progress. And I can't afford a gym and it's crazy cold in Syracuse for running. In other words, how do I lose weight without having complete control over my food and exercise?

I know that it's certainly possible--I just need to find a new way of going about losing weight. I need to really and truly incorporate healthy habits into my lifestyle. If you have any tips, I'd love to hear them.

Admissions...A Few

I have something to admit, and it isn't pretty.

My size 8 jeans no longer fit. And the same goes for my size 8 dress and my size 8 black pants.

For some ungodly reason, I thought I had evolved past the days of outgrowing my clothing. I thought I had moved beyond the embarrassing (and potentially painful) moments of squeezing my stomach in order to zip my jeans. Or angling my face just so to avoid the double chin on camera. Or feeling my inner thighs bounce into each other when I walk naked in my apartment.

But, alas, it's true. I've gained weight. Fourteen pounds to be exact. The last time I weighed myself, I was hovering around 164. And since then, I've managed to eat half a batch of chocolate chip cookies and nearly a loaf of Nathan's delicious focaccia bread. Not to mention the chocolate chip pancakes I enjoyed this morning, smothered in syrup, or my coffee with cream with enough sugar to kill a diabetic. So, God only knows what my weight is right now.

Needless to say, I am not in anything close to diet mode right now. Nathan and I just moved into a brand new apartment in Syracuse, NY. Yup, you heard me right, I said Syracuse. Home of the snow, home of my alma mater, and home to a particularly obnoxious shade of orange that is plastered all throughout the city. Our apartment is completely empty, aside from a jumble of clothes and huge stacks of books.

The cats are going completely insane. Leo has decided, with a vengeance, that he hates the new apartment. So, he waits until 4am to wail as loudly as possible, while simultaneously attacking the air mattress. At night, we have been forced to lock him in the (big) closet--the only room in our apartment, besides the bathroom, with a door. During the day, he finds weird spots to hide (behind the fridge/ next to the litter box) and when you find him and plead with him to cheer up, he scowls at you. He's ready to trade his parents in, I can tell.

Fanny, my sweet yet clumsy cat, has taken to doing acrobatics in the middle of the night. She sprints across the entire apartment and then takes a running leap (roughly four and a half feet) onto the windowsill. Sometimes, she makes the jump and other times she crashes to the floor (usually on her head). Unlike her brother, she seems delighted with our empty, echoing apartment.

And Nathan and I? We're surviving. On the upside, I started my new job on Monday. I have to say it because I'm so damn proud. I am officially the Assistant Editor of CNY Woman, a magazine targeted towards woman in Central New York. We have our own place (no roommates!). Nathan has some great career prospects in management. And we're engaged to be married. We haven't set an official date yet, but we're thinking either a year from this coming May or a year from August.

On the downside, we are completely, flat-out broke, which means we're living on pasta, chicken, frozen vegetables, eggs, and whatever we can make with flour, sugar, baking soda, and yeast. We have no money for our two favorite vices--booze and cigarettes--which means that tensions are a (wee bit) high in the Katie/ Nathan household. We're also massively sleep deprived (thanks to Leo) and Nathan has begun criticizing my parenting skills. He insists that if I hadn't of coddled Leo, Leo wouldn't think he was a human, and wouldn't be having these temper tantrums in the middle of the night. I, on the other hand, believe that all Leo needs is some love and furniture to hide under and he'll be okay.

But then on the plus side, I'm in love, living with my favorite person in the whole world, who makes me chocolate chip pancakes before work.

So, I can tell that you're probably waiting for me to address this weight gain of 14 pounds. Well. I don't have much to say. I simply cannot diet right now. I can't afford it and I can't deal with any additional stress in my life. When things become more normal (i.e. we are not stressing about how to pay rent), I'll re-evaulate. But for the time being, it's not the most important part of my life. I still have to say that I haven't binged since last April--so that's nearly 8 months of being binge free. Pretty damn awesome, if I do say so myself.

But, one thing I am going to do is start walking to work. The walk is roughly 1.5 miles, so that means I'll be walking 3 miles a day. That's a good amount of exercise, and I think that it will help me maintain, as well as help me get back into shape.

Another goal that I want to work on is to STOP the FAT TALK. I hate that I've slipped back into calling myself names (disgusting/ hideous/ fat/ gross) and that needs to end. I wasn't any of those things when I weighed 240 pounds, and I'm certainly not now.

Do you struggle with "fat talk," and if so, how do you combat it?

It's Been a While--Bullet Updates

I seriously believe that you could write a novel about the past four months of my life. Well, if not an entire novel, at the very least a short story. But alas, I am busy and don't have much time.

So, to sum up, the following has occurred since my last (consistent post) in August:

-I hit my Weight Watchers goal weight

-I moved out of my apartment in Richmond and moved back home to my parents' house in Northern Virginia

-I lost my Weight Watchers goal weight (and am currently over 10 pounds heavier, grr...)

-I quit my job of two years and accepted a better paying job in DC.

-I fell in love.

-I quit my higher paying job.

-I got a new (lower paying job) in Richmond.

-I moved in with Nathan.

-I lost my lower paying job.

-I started working as a Freelance Writer.

-Nathan and I got engaged.

-Nathan and I moved to Buffalo, NY to look for better jobs and live with my extended family.

-I landed my dream job, Assistant Editor of a magazine, in Syracuse, NY

-We found an apartment in Syracuse NY

-We moved into the new apartment and I started my job.

-Nathan got an interview for his dream job.

...And that's where I am right now.

I'm debating about starting another blog. Please let me know if you think I should continue with this current blog or start something fresh. I appreciate feedback =)

Ramblings of a Lunatic

Since I hit goal last August, one question I've been asking myself is, How do I define healthy? Is my journey complete now that I've hit a certain weight or a dress size? What does health mean to me now that the weight is gone and I'm left with a lingering feeling that my journey is far from over?

At the moment, my stomach is feeling full after eating a huge bowl of failed stir fried rice. I hadn't eaten since morning (an egg with toast), so by 5pm my hunger level had reached a level of desperation that prompted me to throw rice, chopped onion, and oil in a pan and then dump two eggs on top. And to complete that meal, I ate a burned peanut butter cookie and a cigarette. Needless to say, my rushed dinner was less than satisfactory. But it did the trick--I'm no longer hungry.

Can you tell I'm in a rotten mood?

I was supposed to be writing today. I wanted to get back to this blog. I wanted to write an article for Richmond.com, and I wanted to send out my resume to prospective employers (oh, the joys of being unemployed), but what did I do instead? I entertained friends, got called ugly by a woman at Target (don't ask, I know it sounds ridiculous) and I spent money that I don't have on a burnt cup of coffee. My head hurts and I'm feeling lousy. Nathan is at work, killing himself to work a double shift to support us and pay our bills, and I'm wasting time.

Why am I wasting time?

Am I afraid that I'll fail as a writer? Am I too damned lazy to get off my ass and write something? Am I too damn anxious? I know that I want to be a writer but I'm afraid that I don't have enough to cut it in the field. Maybe my vocabulary isn't big enough? Maybe my sentences aren't sophisticated enough? Maybe my writing is just too damn egocentric for my own good. On the plus side, I applied to Target today. Do you think I might be overqualified with my B.A. and M.A.?

If you've made it so far through my self-absorbed ramblings, I give you credit. I bet you would like to know how the maintenance journey is going. Well, it's going all right. Nathan hid my scale for about two weeks, but I finally weighed myself yesterday: 152.5. So, I've lost a little bit of weight this past month. But then I weighed myself later in the day, after a run, and my weight was back up to 158.5. So, I have no idea what's going on. Nathan hid the battery to my scale this morning, so I couldn't weigh myself today to check out what's going on.

He thinks I'm obsessed. Obviously, that's ridiculous ;)

So, in a nutshell, weight management is not my top priority right now. I need to find a way to do what seems impossible right now--become a writer. And at the very least, I need to find a job so that I can contribute to our income. The weight is essentially staying off without too much effort on my part. Some days I eat too much. Some days I eat too little. And in the end, it all evens out. I think that as long as I don't binge, I won't gain it back. I'm trying to exercise more. Nathan and I went jogging two days this week, and we're trying to walk more and cut back on cigarettes.

I'm sorry for this awfully scattered post. I hope that I don't come off as a psycho--I'm just stressed right now.

If you made it all the way through, thanks for enduring my stream of consciousness rambling. If you have any advice, feel free to send it my way.

And the Verdict is...

I know that Friday afternoons at 5pm are the ABSOLUTE worst time to post on a blog, because if you're anything like me, you're racing out of work, throwing on your sweat pants, and eagerly awaiting a weekend free from the glare of the computer screen.

Or, then again, maybe not.

But regardless, I promised I would post an update of my weight and here it is:

157.5

Well, seeing 157.5 this morning was possibly the cold, harsh slap that I needed to understand that this journey is not over--and perhaps it never will be--and that I can't eat anything I want, whenever I want and not gain weight. It's really just that simple. Maybe there are people in the world who don't love food as much as I do OR maybe there are people in the world who respect their hunger signals better than I do OR maybe there are people in the world who can eat as much as they want and not gain weight.

However, none of that matters to me. I happen to be the type of person who loves food, has trouble hearing/ respecting my hunger signals, and who can gain weight. Unfortunately, I will have to monitor my eating for the rest of my life. And yet, I truly believe that good habits bring about more good habits, just as bad habits solidify bad habits. In other words, when I'm eating well and exercising consistently, it's easier for me to stay on track and see rare indulgences as what they are--out of the norm. And, likewise, when I'm eating poorly and hardly exercising, I look at each meal as a chance to indulge and see healthy days as rare.

Well, it's time to switch the cycle. And it's also time to go home from work--thank goodness! Wish me luck!

Maintenance is not as easy as it seems

Well, it's official. I jinxed myself.

Just as I was getting good and cocky about my ability to eat whatever I liked, the tides turned. After countless nights of endless glasses of wine, ice cream, chocolate chip pancakes, too large servings of delicious, buttery foods, I saw what I had been dreading for some time: a gain on the scale.

You know, you'd think that the girl who struggled with weight for the past 2o or so years wouldn't be surprised when, lo and behold, overeating leads to weight gain. But I have to admit, the first time I stepped on the scale and saw 152.5, I thought the scale must be broken. I wracked my brain for an explanation--PMS, salty food, not enough water. I figured there had to be some other reason than the obvious.

At first, I stayed calm. But then I weighed myself the next day and saw an even higher number. And the next day after that. And after a while, I became a teary mess of pre-menstrual nerves...crying about my weight gain three times a day. Crying about my lost cat Leo (we found him, thank goodness), crying about god knows what. Mostly, I cried because all of a sudden my confidence was shaken: I had proven myself incapable of doing what so many others do seemingly with ease: maintain their weight.

As soon as I believed that I had failed, I felt this overwhelming loss of confidence in myself. Every outfit I tried on felt like second best. In my mind, I'd figure, this would look better if I were smaller/ tighter [insert body part here]. And I know that my reaction wasn't completely rational. No one can see a weight gain of five pounds. No one noticed. Except for me. And I took things more personally, became more self conscious about people, and increasingly thought of myself as a "fat girl," even though I know that I'm not.

So, the moral of the story is that I need help getting back on track. I'm not sure what getting back on track means for me. Does it mean counting points? Exercising more regularly? Becoming a lifetime member? I missed my last weigh in because I knew I was up and I didn't feel like starving myself the days before to get to my goal weight. I didn't want to reach this milestone in a fake way.

So, here are my goals.

1. Tomorrow morning I'm going to weigh in (and post the result here) and I'm going to have weekly Wednesday weigh-ins. I don't need to be weighing myself three times a day. It's not good for me, and I think even Nathan, the most patient boyfriend in the world, is getting a little tired of my thrice-daily crying fits.

2. I'm going to resume my daily lunch jogs at work. I'll pack my jogging clothes and ipod with me to work and I'll start jogging for 15-20 minutes every day. If nothing else, I know that the exercise will make me feel better and more confident in myself.

3. As for food, I'm going to stop eating 'til the point when I'm stuffed. I'm going to try to eat a well-balanced diet, without having to count points, because there is no way that I'm going to count points for the rest of my life. Now, I know that some people enjoy the structure of point counting, but that's just not a sustainable plan for me. I'm not going back on what I said in my previous post--I am finished with dieting. Since I am at a close to healthy weight now, I'm focusing instead on living naturally and eating intuitively. If my "natural weight" is 160 by eating pretty much what I like, well then so be it. I don't want to have to stress about weight and counting points for the rest of my life. For right now, I'm going to focus on drinking more water, cutting down on cigarettes (I'm up to a pack a day now, yuck!) and not eating past the point of contentment.

Well, these are my goals. Oddly enough, I actually feel better writing all of this down. I will be back tomorrow to post my current weight (cue scary music here) and I'll let you know how the lunch jog goes.

It's possible, just possible, that I may have underestimated the difficulty of maintenance.