Binge: A Definition

Binging is one of the most self-destructive things a person can do. According to the Mayo Clinic, binging is defined as, "A serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food...When you have binge-eating disorder, you may be deeply embarrassed about gorging and vow to stop. But you feel such a compulsion that you can't resist the urges and continue binge eating." Binging is the most common of food disorders, according to the Mayo Clinic.

But for those who struggle with binging, you know it's not really about the food (because you eat it too quickly to really enjoy it) and it's not really about feeding an actual hunger (because you eat so much you feel sick). It's an experience that's hard to explain, even to yourself. After I binge, I usually look at the discarded boxes of crap (aka, ice cream, cookies, crackers, etc...) and wonder why I really needed to eat that much. Wouldn't a bowl of ice cream have sufficed? Why did I need to eat the whole carton?

There's so much shame associated with binging that it's hard to talk about, despite the fact that it's a common eating disorder. Now, I'm going to make an imperfect comparison here--perhaps binging is somewhat similar to self mutilation. Just to be clear, I've never struggled with self mutilation, but I want make the comparison because they seem to have some similarities. Both are destructive. Both are compulsive acts. Both are shrouded in shame. And both are typically about control. As someone who has never struggled with self mutilation, it's hard for me to imagine take a sharp object and cutting my skin. Likewise, it's probably tough for someone who has never binged to imagine compulsively stuffing yourself until you want to throw up.

But I have binged several times in the last few weeks, and right now it's a daily struggle for me to fight the compulsion.

Last night, I randomly came across a passage by one of my favorite contemporary authors that described the binge experience really well. Anne Lamott, in Grace (Eventually) Thoughts on Faith, writes the following:

Until a few weeks ago, I had been scootching along pretty well for a while in size-ten pants, having lost a little weight, feeling I'd nailed the food and weight and body-image business, when all of a sudden my foot met air, and I was unmoored. Within minutes, I was on the edge of a full-on food binge, assault eating.

I can definitely relate to this sentiment. When I had lost my first 50 pounds and was fitting comfortably in a size 12, I really thought I'd nailed the weight/ binge/ body issues that I'd struggled with for the past decade. My recent struggles with binging have been a wake-up call for me. It's so disappointing to learn that six months of healthy living doesn't wipe out years of unhealthy behaviors. But it makes sense.

She goes on to describe the binge:

All I could think to do was what every addict thinks of doing: kill the pain. I don't smoke or drink anymore, am too worried to gamble, too guilty to shoplift, and I have always hated clothes shopping. So what choices did that leave? I could go on a strict new diet, or conversely I could stuff myself to the rafters with fats, sugars, and carcinogens. Ding ding: we have a winner.

It's fascinating how similar binge eating is to strict food deprivation. In some ways, the two opposite courses of action stem from the same urge--the urge to control your life through food. I've had the same thought several times. I'll come home in a terrible mood and feel like (a) either starving myself for the night as a punishment or (b) like eating until I can't feel anymore. And like Lamott says so succinctly, the eating option is usually more appealing.

At the end, Lamott describes how she recovered from the binge:

I got myself some cool water, a pair of soft socks...Then waves of nausea and self-loathing, backtrack bog. I thought of all the times my friends have given off light in the darkness...So I was simply kind to myself...I burped my terrible Cyclops burps, which brought such relief that I remembered who I was: one of the sometimes miserable all-of-us. I was a soul, not a faulty digestive system...A woman with a few, small, unresolved issues.

To me, this is one of the best passages in the whole book. Binging can make me feel like a disgusting excuse for a human being, but when I look at myself through Lamott's eyes, I see a young woman with a few, small, unresolved issues. A young woman with a lot of good characteristics and a few challenges.

And I think that is the only way to really recover from binges--respect yourself enough to be kind to your body. Exercise regularly and honor your hunger (and your full-ness). And if you fall off the wagon, remind yourself of this passage and start again.

For those who don't binge, I hope this sheds some light on the experience. And for those who do, I hope this helps to remind you that you're not alone in this struggle.

Meeting in Real Life

Now that I've officially recovered from my Gilmore Girls day of hibernation, I can tell you about what an exciting weekend I had. On Friday after work, I drove up to Northern VA (again!!) because I had a big interview all day on Saturday. I'm not going to go into details here, but I'll let you know when I hear back (hopefully two weeks). So, on Friday night, I kept things pretty low key and went to bed early.

Then on Saturday night, I finally got to meet Beth! Quick back-story--I found Beth's blog, Beth's Journey, last spring when I was starting my weight loss journey. I was hooked from the start, and commented pretty frequently on her posts. Then, when I started a blog, Beth followed along and commented on my posts. Since then, we realized we had a lot in common (big weight losses, love of food, etc...) and we've been talking, via e-mail, g-chat, and the phone.

Needless to say,I was so excited to meet her! We met at Cafe Asia, a trendy sushi bar near Georgetown. I let Beth do most of the ordering since she'd been to the restaurant before. Plus, if you follow her blog, you know she has pretty awesome taste in food. Anyway, Beth took the photos, so if you want to know in detail what we ate, check out her blog. All I know is, we got a bunch of yummy appetizers including edamame and this fried thing with a delicious creamy sauce. And we got lots of amazing sushi. I also got a Gin and Tonic and we ordered several glasses of wine. Check out my stained teeth in the photos-

Beth and I at Cafe Asia. Note--unfortunately, this angle was awkward for Beth. Not sure why the bartender took the photo from the side...But did you notice how curly my hair was? Gotta love DC humidity and rain...



Me and Beth outside of Cafe Asia. I'm the one with the purple teeth =)

All I can say is, we had an awesome night =) It was fantastic to finally meet Beth and I'd definitely like to hang out with her again soon when I'm in DC. It's so awesome that you can actually make real friends through this health/ weight watchers community. I would never have expected this before I started this journey...

Anyway, moving on, speaking of weight loss journeys, I'm sure readers are curious to know how I'm doing--especially in light of my recent oreos meltdown.

Let the bragging begin:

1. I actually went on a jog yesterday. Granted, it wasn't my typical 2.5 miler (it was probably more like 1.5 miles) but hey I got out and started moving. And today, I can definitely feel it in my leg muscles. Note to self--must stop smoking cigarettes!! They made me so out of breath during my jog.

2. I gave away ALL the junk in my house. My friend's Brandi and Josh are now the proud recipients of a container of Nuttella, a roll of cinnabons, a microwave pizza, and a brownie mix. Good riddance, I say! Now, I'm going to survive on beans and rice and maybe some chicken, haha.

3. I attempted to count points yesterday and I'm determined to count points today! The only way to lose weight is to become accountable, so that's what I'm going to do.

4. I weighed in this morning. Now, here's the tricky part. I cancelled my WW membership a few weeks ago because (a) I'm broke and (b) I felt like I was wasting money because I wasn't following the program. So, when I was visiting my parents, I brought back their old scale. Will you, as the reader, be okay with the fact that I'm changing the scale/ time of weigh in/ day of weigh in? I'm 179, as of this morning, but I know that I'd be higher on a WW scale. How do you feel about this? I'm tempted to put 179 in my weight loss ticker, but I don't want you guys to feel like I'm being misleading...Let me know!

Okay, that's it for now. I'm excited to be back on track...although it's 10:11 am and I'm already hungry for lunch, grr...Well, as they say, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels." Or at least, that's what I imagine, since I've never been thin ;)

Justifying Anything

Yesterday, when my alarm went off at 6:15 am, I looked at my cats sleeping peacefully next to me, and figured that the responsible thing to do would be to stay home with them. After all, I've been gone the last three weekends and clearly my cats were being deprived of some essential Mommy time.

Then, we slept until 2:30 pm. I woke up to a disordered house, disgusting litterbox, sink full of dishes, clothes strewn over every surface of my apartment, and figured that the responsible thing to do would be to go buy some lunch. Because, after all, how can one tackle domestic chores on an empty stomach?

So, I got in my car and decided to drive to the closest restaurant (to save gas obviously) and ordered a McDonald's chicken nuggets meal with fries and a vanilla milkshake (for calcium of course). And then I went home, parked on my couch, turned on Gilmore Girls, Season 5, and watched it for the next five hours. I also managed to eat a package of oreos and some garlic bread. I went to bed at 8:30 pm.

I woke up this morning at 5:30 am to the same chaos (and a mouth that tasted like garlic and frosting) but this time I managed to clean like a maniac. In 45 minutes, I cleaned the dishes in my sink, took out all the trash, cleaned the litterbox, and straightened the living room.

The upshot of this confession is to tell you that I can justify ANYTHING. And that bad things happen when I decide to stay home for the day and watch Gilmore Girls.

When I got to work this morning, I realized that by hibernating yesterday I had let many people down. My coworker had brought in McDonald's oatmeal for me (he mentioned this on Friday but I forgot), my e-mail thread buddies had posted their menus without me, my friend Beth had posted a blog post partially about me, my friend's Brandi and Josh had cooked dinner without me, etc...

And I opted out of everything so that I could hibernate with my cats and eat junk?

Well, yes, I did.

Do brunettes have more fun?

So with all this talk about weight, health, and financial goals, it's easy to lose sight of the more important aspects of life.

Namely, my hair.

Now, you may not have noticed, but I artificially lighten my light brown hair. If you scroll through my photos, you will notice that my natural hair color is a boring shade of brown. What I really prefer is a rich gold-ish blond color, but (as fellow high-lighters know all too well) every time you re-highlight your hair it gets lighter and lighter...and lighter.


Until you start to look like Christina Aguilera having a bad hair day.

Not that I'm saying that's necessarily a bad look...I'm just not sure I have the cheek bones to pull it off. And I'm also not a glamorous pop star, in case you needed reminding;)

So, usually I try to shove thoughts of my crispy, lightened hair out of my head. I figure that from a distance, I look like a pretty blond. Strangers (i.e. random guys in bars) usually guess that I'm German or Swedish because of my coloring. In fact, I'm composed of a swarthy mixture of Italian (Southern Italy), Greek, and Russian genes. But that is a whole other story, as my Grandma would say.

But today, my coworker wore a wig to work. It's a gorgeous redish/ brown curly wig and I just had to try it on. I always wondered what I would look like with red/ darker brown hair. Here I am:

For comparison's sake, I figured I'd take a picture of my normal, blond self (note, the squished hair).

By the way, with the red hair, don't I look kind of like Drew Barrymore in Riding in Cars With Boys, no?
Anyway, readers it's up to you--please help to solve one of the most crucial issues of the day--Katie's hair dilemma--by posting a comment saying which color you prefer. Or if you hate both options and have a different suggestion, feel free to post that too.

Have a great weekend everyone!

10 Reasons Why You're Cooler Than Me

I was inspired by Katie's post this morning, who writes a fabulous blog called Keeping Up With Katie, so I decided to list 10 Reasons Why You're Cooler Than Me.



1. I spoil my cats to an absurd degree. I sautee chicken for them, let them jump on the counters and the kitchen table, and let them sleep in my bed. I EVEN give them slices of turkey off my Subway sandwiches. Yes, I too, am concerned about what this says for my (potential) child rearing skills.

2. I have an atrociously bad sense of space/ sense of direction. In high school and college, my friends often told me I had a "lost" expression on my face as if I had no idea of where I was going. And that's because I generally didn't. All I can say is, thank goodness for GPS.

3. I only drink coffee with lots of cream and sugar. These days, my parents are impressed when I only put in two teaspoonfulls =) And yes, I still use cream, although I occasionally use skim milk when I'm feeling saintly.

4. I like some RIDICULOUSLY bad music. While my music tastes have generally improved over the years, I still own (and occasionally listen to) that awful 80s song "Don't You Want Me Baby," and Fabolous' "Can't Let You Go." And I don't even know why I like those songs...It's sad really.

5. I stomp when I'm angry. Yes, you heard right. I behave exactly like a three-year-old when things don't go my way. I pout, I cry, I throw tantrums. Yup, haven't grown out of that bad habit...yet...

6. I never floss. Which resulted in my first ever cavity this past month. Here's a photo I took of myself when I was all Novocained up. I think I look like the Joker from The Dark Knight...do you see the resemblance?

The Joker

Me, numb from Novocaine

7. I named my other cat after my favorite movie character of ALL TIME, Fanny Brice, from Funny Girl. Perhaps this resemblance will be harder to see. You'd have to meet my cat to understand what a comedian she is =)

Fanny Brice, the character

Fanny Brice, the cat.

8. I can (and have) eaten an entire jar of nuttella in one sitting.

9. I used to believe that my mom's dead ancestors haunted our downstairs basement. I convinced all three of my younger siblings of this fact and for YEARS we all avoided the basement. Even when we were older, we would race up the stairs to avoid being the last person to turn out the lights. (You'd understand if you saw a photograph of my Mom's ancestors. One of them was carrying an empty bird cage and honestly looked like a witch.)

10. I occasionally sing along to music while I jog. If I get too out of breath, I at least attempt to hum. And yes, I sing along to my terrible music, so I am quite popular at my gym =)

There's More I Wanted to Say

I'm not sure how to address this, but here goes--

Lately, I've been obsessed with how I look when I'm in social situations. No matter whether I'm wearing a cute, fitted outfit or a baggy sweatshirt with jeans, I constantly feel like a fat, frumpy, unattractive girl.

It's driving me crazy. I know that I hardly ever judge others as harshly as I judge myself. And I know that my friends and family will love me, no matter whether I'm a size six or a size 26. But at the same time, I keep having these irrational thoughts like, "He's staring at my stomach," or "I need to be funny and nice to compensate for my extra weight." I'm constantly adjusting my clothes trying to hide my lumps and bumps to no avail; every time I look in the mirror I'm reminded of the overweight person that I still am. I notice my double chins, the bumps of my stomach, my gigantic arms, my huge ass.

At times, it's almost hard for me to interact with others because I feel like such a slob.

And does this make me want to diet? Hell, no. Unfortunately, it has the exact opposite effect. It makes me want to stuff my face with carbs and sugar so that I don't have to feel anymore. You know, I've heard many fellow WWers talk about the moment that made them want to change their lives. Many are prompted by an unflattering photo or ill fitting clothes. But I have always been depressed by those things, which makes me eat even more. In my case, when I'm feeling good about myself, I want to take better care of my body and vice versa. But once I start feeling this way, it's a bit of a challenge to come to grips with myself, to recognize that my feelings of inadequacy are blown way out of proportion.

Here's what I do know. Exercise helps. Eating well helps. Taking care of stuff helps. And basically patting myself on the back and saying, "You are not a total failure--you have a lot going for you," helps too.

So, today, I'm on a mission--eat well, get in some form of exercise, take care of some stuff, and try to remember that I've come a long way this past year.

New York, New York!

As you can see from my post title, I went to New York this past weekend.

Well, not actually New York City, but Long Island, New York--which is good enough for me.

When I think of New York, this is what comes to mind:

Bagels with lox and cream cheese =)

And pizza =)

There is nothing as good as New York bagels and pizza, haha. When my mom called me on Friday morning to ask if I wanted to drive with her and my sister Sara to New York, I gave her my conditions--pizza and bagels. I am happy to report that she met up to her end of the bargain =)

Overall, the trip was fun. It was nice to catch up with my mom and sister on the long car ride and to see my huge, Italian extended family. I have 20 first cousins on my Mom's side and now most of them have children so you can imagine how big (and loud!) family gatherings are when we visit her family. I hadn't seen them in over two years because I've been living in Richmond so it was nice to see everyone. My little second cousins are getting so old!

While this past weekend was fun, it had a couple of drawbacks. One, my house is an absolute disaster and I haven't gone food shopping so my meals today (at work) are going to consist of what I have: a banana, apple, and sweet potato, haha. Also, my diet is seriously out of whack. Once again, I feel like a bloated whale and none of my clothes are fitting as well as they ought to. Boo. Also, I'm feeling stressed out because there are so many things I've let slip in the past week--laundry, cleaning, bills, car maintenance, etc...which is making it really hard for me to take care of myself the way I need to. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm often tempted to binge on food or drink too much.

But I know what I need to do. I need to make a list, set small managable goals, and try to get back on track with being healthy TODAY. Here are my tiny goals for the day:

• Go to work (haha, I was really tempted to sleep past my alarm today) check!
• Straighten my house
• Do one load of laundry
• Eat meals--no grazing!
• Change my sheets
• Go to bed at a decent hour
• No alcohol
• No BINGING

Well, today is a new day and I'm determined to make it a success. Wish me luck!