I'm not sure how to address this, but here goes--
Lately, I've been obsessed with how I look when I'm in social situations. No matter whether I'm wearing a cute, fitted outfit or a baggy sweatshirt with jeans, I constantly feel like a fat, frumpy, unattractive girl.
It's driving me crazy. I know that I hardly ever judge others as harshly as I judge myself. And I know that my friends and family will love me, no matter whether I'm a size six or a size 26. But at the same time, I keep having these irrational thoughts like, "He's staring at my stomach," or "I need to be funny and nice to compensate for my extra weight." I'm constantly adjusting my clothes trying to hide my lumps and bumps to no avail; every time I look in the mirror I'm reminded of the overweight person that I still am. I notice my double chins, the bumps of my stomach, my gigantic arms, my huge ass.
At times, it's almost hard for me to interact with others because I feel like such a slob.
And does this make me want to diet? Hell, no. Unfortunately, it has the exact opposite effect. It makes me want to stuff my face with carbs and sugar so that I don't have to feel anymore. You know, I've heard many fellow WWers talk about the moment that made them want to change their lives. Many are prompted by an unflattering photo or ill fitting clothes. But I have always been depressed by those things, which makes me eat even more. In my case, when I'm feeling good about myself, I want to take better care of my body and vice versa. But once I start feeling this way, it's a bit of a challenge to come to grips with myself, to recognize that my feelings of inadequacy are blown way out of proportion.
Here's what I do know. Exercise helps. Eating well helps. Taking care of stuff helps. And basically patting myself on the back and saying, "You are not a total failure--you have a lot going for you," helps too.
So, today, I'm on a mission--eat well, get in some form of exercise, take care of some stuff, and try to remember that I've come a long way this past year.
I know exactly what you mean... I became way more critical of my body when I started losing weight. It's so weird. I'm happy you posted this because I thought I was the only one who felt that way!
ReplyDeleteI feel ya Katie. I used to try to gain weight when I was at my heaviest because I felt like no one would judge me if I was just the fat girl. I lived in heels because I thought if I looked a little taller, I'd look a little thinner. I didn't want to be the chubby girl who people constantly looked at and said "oh look, there goes the chubby girl eating again, shes gonna gain.." But I realized that wasn't what I wanted, I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin - one day you'll get there, I have faith in you.
ReplyDeleteHow did you do today with your goals?
i feel the same way, especially the "i need to be nice to compensate for my extra weight"
ReplyDeleteinteresting!!
i will follow your blog...follow mine too if you wanna be cool.. =P
-reena711 from the boards
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