Magic Weight

I always thought that there was a "magic weight" that would instantly relieve me of all my body insecurities. When I was 13, that number was 128 pounds. I'm not exactly sure why I chose that specific number. I think it's because my mom (who is just five feet tall) weighed about that much and I thought she was the perfect weight--neither thin nor chubby. I figured that if I could achieve 128 pounds, I would finally stop worrying about my weight and move on with my life. While I never did reach 128, I did hit 136 for a few weeks, and I don't recall feeling particularly thin or attractive. I just remember agonizing about getting into the 120s. Of course, I'm about 4-5 inches taller than my mom with a totally different figure (I have broad shoulders and a larger bust) but I still wanted to be the same weight as her. If that makes any sense...

Lately, I've been teetering in the 171-172 range, pretty damn close to hitting the 160s, a decade I haven't seen since high school. And yet, I still feel (at times) overcome with body issues, especially when it comes to being naked with someone new. The other day, I was trying on jeans at this boutique shop in Richmond called Buckle, which by the way has a great selection of jeans, and I kept freaking out about how the tight jeans were making my stomach rolls stick out. The cute 23 year-old salesperson kept telling me about Spanx and how a pair would change my life.

But I don't want to have to rely on spandex to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't want to have to camouflage my worrisome body parts. Haha, now I know that the only way to really work on those "lumpy issues" is to really commit to an exercise regime. And the only way to really commit to an exercise regime is to quit smoking and eat healthier meals. Now, don't get me wrong, I've been eating pretty well for the last few weeks, in terms of the fact that I haven't binged in over two weeks and I've been limiting my portions. But, by no means, have I been eating healthy, well balanced meals. Case in point, on Friday, I had oatmeal for breakfast, popcorn for lunch (6 points total) and then a cheeseburger, french fries, and a few beers for dinner. All in all, I didn't really consume too many calories that day, but I felt pretty low energy until I had dinner. And then once I had finished the huge meal, I felt stuffed and sleepy. Not exactly an ideal diet for working out. And I'm not sure what to say about my smoking habits...I've been really bad with that this past week, due to the massive amount of stress I've been under.

So, to sum up this scattered post, I am pleased that my weight is slowly but surely going down and I'm excited to see the 160s (for the first time in nearly ten years!) but at the same time, I really need to work on making activity and health a priority in my life. Just simply being a lighter weight will not automatically make me feel like a healthier, more confident person. A few months ago (okay, maybe six) I wrote about feeling confident enough to climb a mountain or go on a jog. These days, I'm hesitant to go on a long bike ride, because I'm worried I'll get out of breath. That's what I need to work on. So, step one, throw out the cigarettes (done!) and step two, go food shopping and plan some healthy meals (that needs to wait until this evening).

Do you (or did you) have a magic weight? And do you ever struggle with focusing more on the number on the scale than your healthy goals?