I'm trying not to beat myself up about this weekend, so I'm going to start out with the good news.
I ran 3 miles with my friend Kerrianne in 33 minutes on Saturday morning. Exactly an 11 minute mile. That's the fastest I've run yet, and I'm proud of myself for that accomplishment.
The bad...I had a major food meltdown this weekend. You'd think that after running 3 miles, I'd be more conscious about my food choices. But nope, I completely let myself eat like crap for a day and a half. I'm embarrassed to write this post, especially since I've been so determined to live in a healthy way. I hate that I let binging sabotage my progress.
Here's the thing, I'm pretty sure that I struggle with seasonal depression. As the days get shorter, it gets harder and harder for me to be social. I start to think illogical thoughts--like I'm too fat and ugly to go out. And then I feel the urge to stay in and eat, which only makes me feel fatter. It's especially hard since I live alone and can literally spend an entire day in my pjs, on the couch, watching a dumb tv show series, and eating ice cream out of the carton. That was yesterday for me. I am embarrassed about this and it's hard for me to write about it publicly. But maybe someone out there can relate to this struggle.
Today, I woke up determined not to feel bad about myself. My size 14 dress pants still feel loose. I have not gained back much weight from 1.5 days on binging. I still was able to run 3 miles on Saturday. My binge has not wiped out all my progress. I have to keep telling myself this. Because in my head, I feel like I have grown three double chins, a huge belly, and can't even run a lap. In my head, I feel like I weigh 240 pounds.
So anyway, I'm at a loss of what to do. If I were on the message boards, I know that fellow WWers would tell me to get back on track starting NOW. They'd encourage me to go to the gym and eat healthy for today. So, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I already ate a healthy bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and I packed my gym clothes in the car. HOWEVER, I honestly am really mixed about this new WW program. I hate looking up the foods and weighing and measuring everything.
It's making me obsess about food. Which can sometimes lead me to binge. I really need to find a balance that works with me. I know that WW can work (and has worked for me in the past) but now I am facing a new challenge: winter and seasonal depression. I'm not feeling all that confident in my ability to manage that. Hmm...the worst possible thing would be to gain back the weight I have lost. I'm afraid that I already gained about a pound from this weekend's craziness, but a pound is not the end of the world. I feel this urge to start fresh as of now.
I think I'm going to consider taking the antidepressant and taking this journey one day at a time. Today, I'm not going to track my points, per say. I'm just going to focus on eating moderately healthy meals and no snacks (including dessert). I'm also going to get in some kind of a workout after work. Wish me luck. I've lost some confidence in myself this weekend, and I could really use some encouragement.