Monday, December 13, 2010

The Good and the Bad

I'm trying not to beat myself up about this weekend, so I'm going to start out with the good news.

I ran 3 miles with my friend Kerrianne in 33 minutes on Saturday morning. Exactly an 11 minute mile. That's the fastest I've run yet, and I'm proud of myself for that accomplishment.

The bad...I had a major food meltdown this weekend. You'd think that after running 3 miles, I'd be more conscious about my food choices. But nope, I completely let myself eat like crap for a day and a half. I'm embarrassed to write this post, especially since I've been so determined to live in a healthy way. I hate that I let binging sabotage my progress.

Here's the thing, I'm pretty sure that I struggle with seasonal depression. As the days get shorter, it gets harder and harder for me to be social. I start to think illogical thoughts--like I'm too fat and ugly to go out. And then I feel the urge to stay in and eat, which only makes me feel fatter. It's especially hard since I live alone and can literally spend an entire day in my pjs, on the couch, watching a dumb tv show series, and eating ice cream out of the carton. That was yesterday for me. I am embarrassed about this and it's hard for me to write about it publicly. But maybe someone out there can relate to this struggle.

Today, I woke up determined not to feel bad about myself. My size 14 dress pants still feel loose. I have not gained back much weight from 1.5 days on binging. I still was able to run 3 miles on Saturday. My binge has not wiped out all my progress. I have to keep telling myself this. Because in my head, I feel like I have grown three double chins, a huge belly, and can't even run a lap. In my head, I feel like I weigh 240 pounds.

So anyway, I'm at a loss of what to do. If I were on the message boards, I know that fellow WWers would tell me to get back on track starting NOW. They'd encourage me to go to the gym and eat healthy for today. So, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I already ate a healthy bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and I packed my gym clothes in the car. HOWEVER, I honestly am really mixed about this new WW program. I hate looking up the foods and weighing and measuring everything.

It's making me obsess about food. Which can sometimes lead me to binge. I really need to find a balance that works with me. I know that WW can work (and has worked for me in the past) but now I am facing a new challenge: winter and seasonal depression. I'm not feeling all that confident in my ability to manage that. Hmm...the worst possible thing would be to gain back the weight I have lost. I'm afraid that I already gained about a pound from this weekend's craziness, but a pound is not the end of the world. I feel this urge to start fresh as of now.

I think I'm going to consider taking the antidepressant and taking this journey one day at a time. Today, I'm not going to track my points, per say. I'm just going to focus on eating moderately healthy meals and no snacks (including dessert). I'm also going to get in some kind of a workout after work. Wish me luck. I've lost some confidence in myself this weekend, and I could really use some encouragement.


  1. I am completely struggling with the new WW program too. I had been off track for the couple of weeks leading up to the program switch, but was still conscious enough to be losing. When I went into the meeting and was handed all of the new, start-from-scratch materials, I was completely overwhelmed. I stressed and worried and obsessed over food and my choices for the entire weekend. I was so angry that I'd worked an entire year to get really good at knowing exactly what I was putting into my body, only to feel like a rug was pulled out from underneath me. On top of that, I was frustrated that they chose right before the holidays to change everything around-- it's hard enough to make smart choices during the holidays, but to add figuring out an entire new way of eating on top of that? Too much.

    I ultimately decided last Monday morning to stick to my tried-and-true WW plan, just the regular points system, until the holidays are over. I lost my weight this year using that plan-- just because WW changed their plan, doesn't mean I have to follow. The second that I made that decision, this huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and I went right back to making the good choices that I've made all year-- and lost 3.6 pounds on Saturday. Sometimes you just have to do what's best for you, regardless of what everyone else is doing.

    Just wanted you to know you're not alone!

  2. Katie, thank you so much for your comment. Learning all the new material from scratch is pretty overwhelming, especially when I'm dealing with a lot of other things. Yeah, I'm considering going back to the old program as well. But for today, at least, I'm just going to try not to binge or eat badly.

    Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone =)

  3. I can definately relate to binge-related sabatoge. You can get out of this, I know you can! If you need an anti-depressant, GET IT. The only way that I got out of my deep hole (of depression and binge-eating) was by making a committment to PUT MYSELF FIRST and I started seeing a therapist.

    It really helped me, and over a year later, I don't even see him anymore. And I'm happy. :-)

    I'm actually coming around about the new plan. Once I learned the new points value of the foods that I eat all the time (I tend to eat the same thing M-F, I'm so routine-y) it got easier. And the extra WPA are amazing!! Points have gone up, but FREE FRUIT and 49 WPA make it all even out for me.

    Hang in there, you're doing great! Woo-hoo on the loose size 14's and the three mile run. You are inpsiring me!

  4. I think one day at a time is the right way to approach anything. While 1.5 days of bingeing can definitely take a toll on you mentality (and probably make you physically feel pretty bad as well), it really won't derail your weight loss efforts as much as you think. Think back to your life pre-WW and how, for me at least, this type of eating was an every day sort of thing. Think about how far you've come.