Monday, September 27, 2010

Refocusing on Me

These last few weeks have been a difficult time for me. N broke up with me, I got the stomach flu, and my cat Fanny ran away (she returned on Saturday night, thank goodness). When bad things happen, my tendency is to turn to food, which of course, makes me feel even worse than ever. This time was no different. I completely stopped tracking points and ate whatever I felt like--honey nut cheerios, ice cream, nuttella, cookies, etc...

But I am here to tell you that a few weeks of less than stellar eating will not break me. And it will not keep me from reaching my goal of finally getting to a normal weight. I just need to pull myself out of my funk and get back on track. Now I know that is easier said than done, but I have done it before and I can do it again.

On a side note, I had an interesting epiphany last night. I went out with a new guy R on a very casual second date--just watching the football game at a college bar. Well, throughout the course of the date I was not having a good time. R wasn't really my type and he seemed way more interested in watching the game, texting his friends, and looking at shoes online (don't ask me why) rather than talking to me. Anyway, then this girl came over to our table. She had her hair pulled back in a bun and was wearing jeans and a red sweatshirt--yet she looked great because she was skinny. All of a sudden, I felt really fat and unattractive by comparison, even though I was dressed up in a nice outfit and having a particularly good hair day.

So, I went home where I proceeded to eat everything in my pantry to rid myself of that sickening feeling of insecurity. But how counterproductive is that?? God help me--it was the absolute worst thing I could do. And yet, that's not the first time that I have reacted in that way. Well, now that I'm more aware of my issue, hopefully I can work on it in the future.

Anyway, I'm going to try to get back on track with eating and living healthy. Today, I have planned my meals, and I'm going to the gym after work (I have the clothes/shoes in the car). I'm making homemade tomato soup for dinner, which I'm pretty excited about :)

On another side note, I am going to take a break from dating and guys for the time being. The thing with N ended particularly badly, and I honestly need some time to regroup before I date again. I bought some art supplies yesterday (watercolors, pencils, paper) and I'm going to try them out tonight, hopefully. I used to be pretty good at art, and it would be fun to get back into that hobby. I'm also going to focus on exercising regularly, cooking, reading, and writing. I need to feel confident that I can be a whole person, independent of who I'm dating. I need to feel secure enough with myself, so that I don't feel empty if I have to spend a night or two alone. It's scary to embrace solitude like this when you're 24 (almost 25) but that's what I need to do for me. And hey, I know myself--I love hanging out with people and socializing, so this does not mean that I'm going to become a crazy cat lady. I just need to stop being dependent on others to make me happy, if that makes any sense.

1 comment:

  1. Katie - I'm sorry to hear about all the bad things going on right now, but it will definitely get better. I tend to turn to food when things aren't going my way, and I always regret it afterwards and feel even worse. Lately I've been trying to make myself go out for a walk if I feel a binge coming on because of what I'm dealing with for my nephews. It doesn't always work, but sometimes its good to have a backup plan that will get you out of the house because for me, if I stay in my apartment no matter how hard I try I will be standing in front of the pantry eating everything in sight if I'm in one of those funks. Just a thought!