First things first, I want to wish my mom a very happy birthday. It's a gorgeous day to celebrate turning 53 :)
I feel like I can barely write today, given how exhausted I am with work. I am a technical editor, and my job involves editing proposals that my company submits to the government/ private companies. My job is either super slow or crazy intense. This week I've been swamped with editing a 100 page technical document that has needed A LOT of work. I can barely see straight at this point, much less write coherently. So, forgive me if this post seems scattered.
Anyway, I'd like to touch base with my goals this week. I exercised four times (thereby hitting my goal of 3 times) and I stayed within my points. To be honest, there were a few days when I may have gone a bit under my points, but there were also days when I used my 35 extra points. So, as a result, I had my first BIG loss in months: 4.8 pounds!! It feels really good to make some significant progress on my goal.
Last night it hit me: I am only 35 pounds from a BMI healthy weight. While 35 pounds is a significant amount that will, likely, take me several months to lose, it's not that much weight. I mean, a lot of people need to lose 20-30 pounds...it's not a crazy amount of weight. And that means that I'm not that seriously overweight anymore.
Everyone has been telling me this. My parents, siblings, friends, guys that I date have all said/ implied that I'm not that big. But for some reason it's hard for me to believe. It's strange--when I was bigger I saw myself as smaller and was often shocked by photographs/ clothing sizes. And now that I'm smaller, I still feel like the biggest girl in the room. I mean, I'm not crazy, I know that I fit into smaller sizes and weigh less, but I still FEEL huge. I can't wait until this feeling goes away and I can just feel confident with my body.
But the sad truth is that these insecurities will not disappear as I lose weight. The weight loss helps, but I think it might take time, and possibly some therapy, to shed my insecurities once and for all.
I'd appreciate any feedback/ advice you guys can give me. It's a long road to becoming both physically and mentally healthy.
This post really hit home for me.
ReplyDeleteI lost 70 pounds and half way through my loss (right where you are) my friends and I were out celebrating a bachelorette party.
Getting ready in the hotel my much skinner friend said I should "borrow her shirt".
I scoffed, thinking it some sort of "tell me i'm skinny plea" from her.
But, it wasn't.
She saw me as thin and wanted me to try on her shirt.
I did, and it fit. And i cried. It hit me that my sense of self had not caught up with my weight loss. It eventually did, but i wanted you to know what you are feeling is normal!!!
Wow, thank you for sharing your story. I can definitely relate, and I'm relieved to know that I'm not the only one to experience this sort of disconnect. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI think it's pretty normal to have a hard time grasping the new you after you lose a significant amount of weight because its still you looking out through the same eyes. I wrote a post on Fat Girl Mentality a while ago, but I still struggle with it even though I've lost 80+ pounds!
ReplyDeletehttp://bethsjourney.com/2010/07/28/fat-girl-mentality/